Strength Over Fear & Curiosity Over Anger

Do you ever just feel like you are going through the motions of life? Waking up each day, chugging along, and not really sure when you will spiral and hit the bottom? You might sense that something is off, but you don’t know how to communicate it, talk about it, or know how to get back on track until you hit a breaking point. I feel like that’s been me lately. There’s been happy points throughout the past few months - vacation, concerts, seeing friends, but five months has passed quickly and there’s been a rising anxiety that has been lingering. It’s anxiety about life, about my family, about wanting to be there for people and yet I can’t because I can’t even be fully present for myself. I never really seem to know when to ask for help. I just sit and overthink, and curl into myself until I explode. This past week was that point for me. I had been in my head so much that it all came to a head, and I had to have some extra walks alone, journaling again, and seeing my therapist extra to get some perspective.

Here’s the thing. I don’t handle conflict well. I probably have never handled it well, but coming out of a divorced household, an ex-husband who was “always right”, and an ex-partner who wouldn’t even consider dealing with conflict, I haven’t really been in situations to handle conflict well. So what do I do when conflict arises? I come into the situation with fear. I’m in fight or flight mode. There is never a way to move into the conflict and work through that uncomfortable feeling. Until now. My therapist says that I come into many situations in my life with fear, rather than strength. I fear that I will have severe depression like my mom. I fear that I will end up in a manipulative relationship again. I fear that I won’t be able to have a family. I fear that I’m not being the supportive daughter, niece, granddaughter, sister that I should be. And she thinks that I need to reframe my thinking and focus on the strength. Strength over fear. I am strong for leaving situations that are not healthy for me. I am strong for setting boundaries with family and friends that I need to. I am strong for working on my self care. I am stronger than I can even give myself credit for. Because I have done so much work over the past four years. I fear that I will backslide into my old habits, ways, and get into an unhealthy situation again. But I am strong and can never go back to that place. I know myself too well now. I will know when the situation no longer serves me regardless if it’s a friendship, relationship, job, anything. Strength over fear. Strength that I can truly trust myself.

With fear there is anger. When there is anger, there is either fear or sadness. Anger is never the real emotion. I can be angry about so many things. I can be angry that my grandpa died and left my grandma here on this earth when she doesn’t always know who she/we are. I can be angry that my mom still drinks even though it’s killing her. I can be angry that I spent 12 years of my life loving someone and changing who I was to fit into a person that I didn’t end up recognizing. I can be angry that my dad is getting older and not his spunky normal self. I can be angry that I loved someone who couldn’t handle confrontation and broke up with me via text. I can be angry that I lost friends because of my past partners and current partner. I can be angry that people will judge me even though they don’t know me. I can be angry that my partner doesn’t handle anger well or falls asleep in the most random social situations. I can be angry that I want kids and everyone is having kids except for me. I can be angry that I can’t control everything. There’s so much anger. But really it’s fear. And if I’m going to start focusing on strength over fear, then I need to turn that anger into something else - curiosity.

Why did my grandpa pass when he did? How is grandma doing now that he’s gone? Is mom struggling in her life too? Is my ex-husband living the life he wanted? Is my ex-partner learning ways to find peace? Are my old friends happy and living their best lives? Are the people judging me working on themselves the way that I am putting in the work? Is my partner learning to deal with his own anxiety? How do our pasts impact how we come into our relationship and how can we learn about each other from our own reactions to situations? Are my family members doing okay? Why do I feel the need to control everything? Control equals safety. But unless I go live in the mountains by myself, there will always be conflict (this is according to my therapist - and why the fuck does she always have to be right?). And conflict is what I don’t know how to face. So now I am here to face this scary and also beautiful life with strength and curiosity. Or trying to at least. It’s a day by day and even moment by moment process.

Just writing this and sharing it with the world is scary. I fear what these words will say about me and how they might impact others, but these are my thoughts. And my thoughts have always held my hand and brought me back to the light, gotten me through to the other side. Allows me to live in the light instead of the darkness. So I hope some of these words can bring you back into the light as well. And please know that you are not alone. Even if you feel alone, remember that your people are here. Whether they are one room away or a phone call away. The anxiety of the action/conversation is always worse than just doing it. Be brave. Be strong. Be curious.

So until next time….stay bold, stay empowered,

Rach