Breaking Down Body Counts and Bias Around Them
Hey Girl Gang! We had an interesting topic come up…number of sex partners. So we decided to poll our followers and collected data anonymously. Thank you if you participated! Want to listen to the episode? Check it out now, or following along with recap below:
The "Number" Talk: Why Context is the Ultimate Vibe Check
The question lands like a social grenade: How many partners is too many? We decided to go beyond the usual hot takes and actually looked at the data. We ran an anonymous survey with our listeners and friends, then layered in the messy, real-world context of our own lives. What we found wasn't a leaderboard of "notches," but a map of timing, growth, and values.
When you actually do the math—adjusting for age and years spent in serious relationships—those "scandalous" totals usually soften into pretty modest yearly averages. It’s less Sex and the City and more basic statistics. The shock factor fades when you realize that numbers only tell a story if you’re brave enough to ask the right follow-up questions.
Context is Everything
If someone started dating at 16 and they’re now 30, four partners a year might sound "wild" to some—until you factor in long stretches of monogamy or the occasional dry spell. Our data showed most people average under 0.5 new partners per year.
But honestly? The math matters way less than the integrity. Were these partners part of a betrayal, or were they honest connections? Were condoms involved? Are they down to get tested now? That’s where safety meets trust. A high count with zero cheating is arguably more ethical than a low count built on deception. Your number is just a data point; it’s not a verdict on your worth.
The Millennial Paradox
Millennials are in a weird spot. We’re the "sex-positive" generation, yet we’re actually having fewer new partners than Gen X or Boomers did at our age. You can blame the apps for that.
Dating apps have created this paradox where we have endless choices but zero connection. We swipe until our thumbs ache, have two-day conversations that vanish into thin air, and end up with "filtered impressions" instead of real sparks. Fewer first dates mean fewer partners, but it also leads to a creeping sense of cynicism. It’s a strange loop: more access, but intimacy feels harder to build than ever.
Killing the Double Standard
We’ve all seen it: the "ick" of watching men get high-fives for a high count while women get shamed for the exact same thing. Let’s be real—that hypocrisy is the actual problem.
Having standards isn't the issue; it’s the double standard that’s trash. If you prefer a partner with a lower number because you’ve kept yours low too, that’s just preference. But you can't brag about "conquests" while demanding "purity." The fix isn't moral policing; it's alignment. Know your values, own your history, and find someone whose choices actually mirror yours.
How to Have the "Talk" (Without the Spiral)
So, how do you bring this up without it feeling like an interrogation?
Lead with curiosity: Ask about patterns and perspectives rather than just demanding a tally.
Normalize the boring stuff: Make STI screening a standard part of the convo, not an accusation.
Set your boundaries: Be clear about what you need to feel safe and what exclusivity looks like to you.
If you aren't aligned, that’s actually great data to have early on. And if you’d both rather not share numbers at all? That’s fine too. Agree to focus on health, honesty, and how you treat each other now.
Give Yourself Permission to Grow
Finally, remember that people change. A "party phase" in your early 20s doesn’t have to define your 30s. We grow, we learn, and hopefully, we get a little therapy along the way.
If the modern dating landscape feels cold, the warmest thing you can offer is clarity. Use protection like a seatbelt. Ask for test results without the shame. At the end of the day, a tally doesn't create intimacy—honest communication does.
Let us know if this episode resonated with you and what you would like to see for future topics. Text us :)
So until next time - stay bold, stay empowered…
Rachael & the Girl Gang
